


like we used to

by heartlet



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, POV Alternating, tw for vomiting and discussions of mental illness n some violence!!!!!! nothing descriptive tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 00:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14905184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartlet/pseuds/heartlet
Summary: “If there was any great lesson in life it was this: No battle was ever won with silence.”― Shannon L. Alder





	like we used to

**Author's Note:**

> hello............... i wrote this based off the prompt "i am not good good enough"... or smth like tht i dont remember dfjidsjf i didnt totally follow it sorry but anyway! i wrote this for sanaa, hope u like it <3 
> 
> please check the tags for trigger warnings!!!!!! stay safe my babes hope u like this <3
> 
> (title is from like we used to by the rose btw)

They’ve had their up and downs,their arguments, but never something like this. Normally it was the dumb stuff, the bicker most couples have, like what restaurant to go to, or who should be the designated driver after a party. Sometimes it was bigger, like when an ex-girlfriend comes back to town, and suddenly you have to catch up, and unlogical jealousy stirs. However, even the so called bigger ones were never actually big, and it had been like that since the beginning for their relationship.

 

It wasn’t something sudden, nor was it abrupt, just a slow downwards spiral. The small things, like shorter smiles shared, less jokes, less dates, less of a spark. Where there used to be a antique china doll, shining from constant touch-ups and washing, now laid a decades old child-like figure, with a barely visible face from lack of attention. It wasn’t supposed to be natural, but it was.

 

Somehow their relationship had become a shadow of what it used to be, with

 

The big things, like coming home later than normal, and not even say a word before going directly to bed, like agreeing for a date on sunday then having ‘work’ getting in the way, and forgetting to ever reschedule. Like not kissing each other goodnight anymore.

 

(However, the few real moments they now shared, could still be so, so sweet).

 

Jiwoo had come home late yet again, drenched from the rain outside with a bitter and somber expression on her face. No matter how sad she could be though, the moment Jiwoo entered their shared apartment, and made eye contact with Sooyoung, she smiled. It was soft, vague, but it was honest, and that’s what broke the other girl. Those smiles were rare nowadays, but only in settings where Sooyoung wasn’t involved, at least that’s what she had heard from friends. Entering the apartment, Jiwoo greeted her, and then sat down to ramble on about her day. However, as earnest and full as the look in her eyes was, they were still grey and dull compared to how Sooyoung _knew_ the other girl used to be like.

 

She didn’t mean for it to happen, but something in the way she was talking, as if her soul was barely present, or maybe the thoughtless way she’d been acting lately, made Sooyoung want to cry and scream. It reminded her of the way Jiwoo used to be, always walking on her tiptoes, trying not get attention from people, instead softly treading around unstable friendships. Yet, despite these obvious changes, Jiwoo said nothing. She was avoiding her, getting around every single question Sooyoung asked with simple affirmations. Words like “I’m okay”, “yeah”,“I’m fine” - they were lingering heavy around the room, the lies too obvious for Sooyoung not to notice.

 

Self-destructive and unhealthy habits were long gone for Jiwoo, but the past always had a way of leaving its scars.

 

Jiwoo had asked her a question, something banal, something dumb, “hey, did you water the cactus?”. Yet, this was exactly what made her finally crack.

 

She thought it was kinda funny, they had bought that cactus together, as their first present for each other. Jiwoo had cracked a joke, something about how weird grammar was, and somehow that ended with them buying a pointy plant. It was supposed to be a symbol of their love or whatever, but somewhere along the line it went wrong, and it had become a forced habit to get each other to water it once a day, so it wouldn’t grow stale. In that sense, she thought it was still a symbol of their love, but in a much, much less romantic way.

 

So for a moment, Sooyoung’s mind simply blanked, remembering the exact day of the purchase, and then her eyes started watering.

 

Shocked, Jiwoo moved closer to her girlfriend. “Hey baby let’s just go to bed now it’s all oka-”. She paused, not noticing how intense the tears were until then. Her casual expression dropped, blinking twice before her eyebrows slowly lifted in surprise. A moment later her arms were embracing the other girl, moving her arms up and down her back. The other girl held on just as tightly, though also much more desperately. “Sooyoung baby did I say anything? I’m so sorry if so but-”

 

“You aren’t being honest at all, are you?” The other girl freezed. A beat, both their hearts thumping loudly, nervous as can be. Then, Sooyoung shakes her head and Jiwoo loosens her grip on her girlfriend.

 

Thinking about it, Jiwoo should have seen it coming.

 

She looks closer at her girlfriend, and finally notices just how broken the other girl is. Bags under her eyes, red rimmed eyes like she’d been crying. Like she had been awake for hours, just waiting for the slightest sign of Jiwoo’s presence, that she’d come back home on time that night. And as much as it breaks her heart right back to see her like this, she had no clue how to fix it.

 

Jiwoo knew they had problems. She knew it all too well, knew about how much the both of them were hurting, yet somehow never even trying to work on their relationship. It hadn’t been like this for long, only a couple of months, but Jiwoo still knew, she was the original cause of whatever this is. She could have worked harder together with Sooyoung, could have actually let the other girl in.

 

It started back when she got her promotion. New coworkers, new people, new opportunities, it was simply _new._ Sitting inside a office for half her day wasn’t exactly exciting, but it was the weird kind of middle ground position, which, while not exactly fun, is only a small step away from the goal job.

 

She’d been working, too much even. But it was okay, because they were strong, right?

 

That was a big thing. Seeing each other less hurt, but they knew it was only temporary. Soon they’d be able to fall asleep together, kiss and have otherwise bland conversations about the weather that could last for hours, could feel as natural as breathing. Soon it would go back to normal, and they would go back to being in each others arms on a tuesday evening, a tub of ice cream sitting in the space between them, slowly melting, but it’s okay because they would rather be talking to each other about Chaewon’s new ugly shoes instead.

 

Jiwoo had kept secrets. Nothing dirty or disgusting, nothing for her to be ashamed of, not really. It wasn’t something she should be ashamed of, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t feel utterly despicable. It made her wanna run away, but she knew she had to face it, face her own problems.

 

Because while it started with work, started with lack of time spent together, Jiwoo knew that wasn’t the reason she was ignoring Sooyoung at the moment. Even then, she thought these problems would be temporary as well, nothing more than a phase of hurt, like a brief shower of dirty rain.

 

But it wasn’t quite as temporary as they thought, and instead of talking about it, it was culminating, right in that moment.

 

Though Jiwoo had been stuck in a trance for a few moments, she saw how Sooyoung was slowly moving away from her. It was a friday evening, the time they used to spend talking and showering, rambling about whatever had happened as they enjoyed each others presence.

 

And now, she was slipping through her fingers, just like sand.

 

In a fit of bravery, Jiwoo reached out. Sooyoung turned around, and the other girl’s heart broke once again seeing her otherwise lovely smile so far gone.

 

“Sooyoung…”

 

She blinked, and rogue tears started falling again. Moving closer, she sat back on the couch, subtly shaking but still trying to clear her head. Jiwoo was scared, but she knew this had to be done.

 

“Sooyoung I-”

 

“No, Jiwoo now you listen to me.” Sooyoung interrupted.

 

She didn’t seem angry, not really. It was more like frustration, like she had been holding back for a long time without anyone knowing. Maybe this was another sign, but she didn’t want to overthink it too much at that moment, she just wanted to fix whatever was needed, she must be able to work on that much.

 

Inhaling a shaky breath, Sooyoung started to speak.

 

“For the past, what, five months? yeah” her voice was still unstable, ready to combust any moment, but Jiwoo heard a fake short chuckle anyways. “For the past five months, you have grown so fucking distant Jiwoo. I don’t know what happened, and I-...”.another inhale, exhale.

 

“I don’t know what to do I-... I’m sure that I’m a part of this, whatever the fuck it is, that it could be a natural thing and it’s like that one stupid study from years ago suggesting that long-time couples always go through rough periods but God…” She rambled on.

 

The other girl tried to speak, to get a word in and maybe try and explain her behavior.“Hey Sooyoung I think-”

 

“It’s too much Jiwoo. It’s too much, it’s making me so fucking anxious. I’m afraid we’re breaking up, and that you’re gonna leave me. Am i just not good enough for you? did you somehow, randomly grow tired of me after all these years?” she was sobbing again, but this time the tears were harder, rougher, not being allowed to be contained for even half a second. Jiwoo’s heart was breaking yet again, but she knew she had to hold back, and let Sooyoung simply _feel_.

 

“Jiwoo, I love you so much but this just… hasn’t happened before, can you please tell me if you’re even still… willing to try?”

 

Of course she was. The words were just on the tip of her tongue, yet she was hesitant. By God, was she willing to work on it, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t scared. She wanted to tell her nothing was her fault, and that it was her own, that one of the reasons she couldn’t speak about it was because of just how much she loved her.

 

She was scared of losing her, more scared that she had ever been.

 

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she despited to speak anyway.

 

“Sooyoung… God I-” another breath, a tear slowly rolling down her cheek. “Sooyoung, I never meant for this to happen, I didn’t. I wanna tell you everything but God I’m so-” she was shaking, she could feel it deep in her bones. Could feel the relief of letting it all out, just on the other side of the mountain, but help her, was the climb hard.

 

“I’m scared, but I love you so much and I need to tell you this at one point or another so here it goes I guess.”

 

The other girl was looking into her eyes now, eyes close to watering again. Without her noticing, Sooyoung had slipped her fingers between hers, had let them intertwine. Jiwoo smiled lightly, pulling herself together to speak again, looking the other girl deeply in the eyes before doing so.

 

“I have… thoughts. Not like the ones I used to have, the anxious ones, or I do it’s just-” her girlfriend squeezed her hand, letting her know it was okay. Jiwoo smiled again.

 

“They’re violent. They’re violent, they’re murderous and it’s driving me mad Sooyoung” her eyes were shaking, more tears starting to fall, and suddenly she was sobbing, oceans falling from her eyes. “I… a few months ago, I don’t know what happened but…” she bit her lip, looking away from Sooyoung, down to the couch. “- I got angry. I don’t remember why, I think it was my coworker. Maybe they messed something up, I don’t know but I got so angry Sooyoung, I almost felt like I could commit murder for a moment. And then, when my mind cleared I got so scared, I-I got so-...” she was back to sobbing, her voice shaking. Sooyoung reached out, tears now falling from her eyes as well, dripping down her cheeks, and unto the couch. Her eyes embraced Jiwoo, lightly kissing the top of her head as a way of comfort. Her hand stroked her back, trying to calm her girlfriend down.

 

It only worked slightly.

 

Jiwoo’s body was steadying. She started to shake less, realising her girlfriend was still holding her arms around her. She hoped she would feel just as accepting after she finished her story.

 

“I-It’s okay, baby just continue alright? I’ll be right here, don’t worry okay” her voice was also shaking, but she was far from as bad as Jiwoo.

 

“I… I got so scared, that I’d actually hurt anyone y-you know? that I’d somehow… accidently stab my coworker and then the thoughts just spread! The fear was so big it somehow spread to other people, and ever since then I haven’t stopped having these G-God damn thoughts about hurting p-people”. She couldn’t speak anymore, her voice too shallow and breathless for her to support herself. She held her girlfriend tighter, sobbing into her shoulder as Sooyoungs arms tightened. She was crying as well, though she was trying to be a bit stronger than otherwise. Then, Jiwoo whispered.

 

“I even had them about you S-Sooyoung”.

 

Sooyoung blinked, a rogue tear falling. “Me?”

 

“Y-yeah, I don’t want to think about it I-I really don’t but it keeps forcing itself into m-my mind”.

 

Sooyoung hummed, slowly taking a breath. She was shaky, but she understood a bit better now.

 

“Jiwoo, i-it’s okay. I know you’d never want to hurt me”. She tried smiling, needing the positivity at the moment. This certainly wasn’t what she expected, but Sooyoung knew it could never change her feelings for the other girl, that she’d still be there for her.

 

Jiwoo looked into her eyes, and another tear fell. She wanted to speak, wanted to thank her or at least acknowledge how much she had helped her. However, instead of words, Jiwoo could feel a something much more literal coming up her throat.

 

Her eyes broke away from Sooyoung, a quick apology falling from her lips before running to the bathroom with quick feet.

 

She leaned over the toilet, vomit coming out of her throat within seconds of sitting down. It was sticky, clearly composing of the lunch she had earlier that day, and it made her feel disgusting. When she started to feel a familiar and gentle hand resting on her shoulders, she reached out to put her own hand over hers, letting the other girl know she was okay, or at least she was trying to be.

 

A few minutes passed, of nothing but Sooyoung rubbing her hand over Jiwoos back, as Jiwoo kept vomiting, sometimes taking a break to gather her breath. When the vomiting stopped, and she could feel there wasn’t anything left, she pulled back, clashing right into Sooyoung's body. Her arms came around her, and she hugged the younger girl close to her body. Jiwoo’s arms came to rest on Sooyoung’s and suddenly everything was okay. It was chaotic and scary, but they finally knew it wouldn’t be the end.

 

Jiwoo turned around in the other girl’s arms, kissing her lips briefly before pulling back. She smiled, and the other girl smiled back, though Jiwoo could tell she still had a lot to say.

 

“I love you”

 

A beat. Jiwoos mouth openly slightly, her eyes widening. It’s not that she didn’t know, but in that moment she realised just how _long_ it had been, since she had heard those words coming from the other girl.

 

And then she smiled, no tears left to cry this time.

 

“I love you too, so much”. She could feel how obvious it must be at that moment, how it must be shining from her eyes. Could see how that same shine, that same love still had not disappeared from Sooyoung’s eyes either. Could feel adoration in every single bone in her body, every single ribosome.

 

She knew Sooyoung was a strong person, a kind person. Remembered that it was one of the first reasons she fell in love with her, back when she didn’t know there were so, so many more qualities about her that she would grow to treasure.

 

Sooyoung shook her head, small smile still on her lips. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow alright? it’ll be okay Jiwoo, I promise, but there’s still so much more you need to tell me, and that I need to tell you, probably”. She looked serious, eyebrows furrowed, but not enough for her not to show off a tired smile.

 

“Yeah, that sounds good baby.” she said quietly, making the other girl chucke

 

“Baby, really? you’re quick to come out on top I see”.

 

“What can I say? I’m a mastermind of seduction”. She tried winking, but it came out rather clumsily due to the still drying tears. However this only made Sooyoung giggle again, leaning over to kiss the small pout off her girlfriends face.

 

“Sure thing, now can we go to bed?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll go wash my clean real quick, I probably look like a mess, don’t I?”.

  
Hearing this, Sooyoung smirked. “Maybe so, but you’re my hot mess”.

 

Jiwoo giggled. “Maybe you’re the real master of seduction then?”.

 

“Sure I am, _baby_ ”.

 

The other girl giggled again, kissing Sooyoung deeply on the lips before standing up.

 

“I’ll be right back”. Jiwoo smiled at her, quickly leaving out the door.

Sooyoung sighed, sitting back in the couch before closing her eyes. She did not know how Jiwoo could even think about Sooyoung leaving her, she had been in love with her for way too long for her to let it end like that. She had been in love since the moment she first saw Jiwoo, at a small downtown concert four years ago.

 

Although it did not turn out as she had thought, she could almost cry from happiness when Jiwoo had kissed her for the first time that night. It was not that they had not kissed, however it had been a while since it had felt so natural.

 

She stood up, not bothering with brushing her teeth, and went straight to the bedroom. She took off her clothes, putting on a nightgown before laying down in the bed, pulling the covers all the way over her shoulders. Jiwoo was still in the bathroom, but she decided to wait, small smile stuck on her lips.

 

Stuck inside her head, she barely noticed when Jiwoo came in and laid down on the other side of the bed. Turning around, Sooyoung smiled brightly at the other girl before leaning over to kiss her one last time before sleep.

 

Jiwoo looked different. She looked fresh, strong, like a giant weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She looked like herself, and it was not until then that Sooyoung realised just how much she had missed her.

 

“Goodnight baby”.

 

Jiwoo smiled, eyes sleepy. “Goodnight”.

 

And that was enough. Maybe they had not solved everything, but that was alright. They would solve it one way or another, just like they always did, like they knew they always would, together.

 

(“I love you”

 

Jiwoo giggled, and scooted closer, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.“Yeah, I love you too”)

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twt @andsheioves and tumblr @5xid
> 
> what jiwoo was experience was violent intrusive thoughts if u didnt kno, lmk if u have any questions ig!
> 
> hav a good day!!!!!!! hope u liked it sorry it took so long to post haha i was gonna edit it but then i got lazy... so i hope its alright. lov u sanaa <3


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